I wonder, when I am writing, what it would be like to be the characters in the stories I have created. I wonder what it would be like to live outlandish lives, to go on incredible adventures, to see amazing things, with no concept that I live in a different type of reality because in that moment it would be my reality. I wonder what it's like to create and feel magic. I am aware that the pen is magic and so is the imagination, but I wonder about the experience.
I hear in the near distance the low rolling rumble of thunder. I hear the sound of a low blowing wind, howling incessantly into the vast desert that surrounds me. I hear the tiny little splash patterings of an inconsistent rain against a clear glass window.
I see sharp brilliant flashes of lightning illuminating the darkened desert in random patches and patterns.
I want what I can't talk about. To talk about what one wants brings unwanted interference; unwarranted solicitations of advice into situations that are of no business to the outside observer.
That is why I remain creative and focused.
I pretend that I am okay with the way people have behaved toward me. That it was okay to force me to give up my life's dream because it made them feel better about theirs.
I feel gratitude toward wonderful blessings, because when I fell those blessings caught me.
I touch my keyboard, feeling every word as I create all the worlds inside my imagination and bring them to life on a computer screen.
I worry that I'll have to give up my dream a second time, a third, a fourth...
I cry because certain moments have passed forever, certain memories were never created. Friendships were never forged. No connections, no bonds, it's as if certain moments in my life never existed. I've experienced too much time in limbo with no clear understanding as to what it is/was that I am/was waiting for. In those moments I have felt neglected, belittled, abused, and forgotten.
I am creative and focused because I need to be.
I understand moments in time, reflections of memories, wishes and dreams, and empty promises.
I say keep the memories that make me smile. I don't let unhappiness dictate my life.
I dream of many wonderful things. I keep those dreams inside me where they can't be stolen. I create in a place that is private.
I try to see all the good around me, the positives to balance the negatives. I'm not perfect. Even I have heart-wrenching moments that create unpleasant thoughts.
I hope that the thing I don't speak of happens someday. Coins in a piggy bank...
Until then, I remain creative and focused.
This weeks weather - heavy cloud coverage.