Friday, August 28, 2015

I Believe in Love―a Kind, Selfless, Unending Devotion.

I’m 40 years old and I'm single.  It's been that way for awhile.  It's a choice I made, not because I'm not attracted to the opposite sex or that I fear commitment, I do miss being involved in a relationship, but I don't want to lose myself in one.  If that makes sense.
I seem to be one of a few girls over the age of 35 who is NOT in a panic over her single status.
I was married in my twenties, to the guy I dated in high school, and divorced in my thirties.  I think I've earned the right to be single for awhile, after all marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  I felt more confined and trapped than I did free and happy.  It's not that I didn't love the guy; I just always had that feeling he wasn't the right guy.
He provided for me, and he took care of me, but we wanted different things.  
He is now remarried, and has adopted her child.  He and I couldn't have children together because he is affected by a rare disease that causes tumors to randomly appear in his body.  The probability of a child surviving, if we had had one, would have been low because the child would have most probably inherited the disease.  He had a vasectomy at sixteen, and when I married him, I sacrificed any chance I had of giving birth to a child.  We could have adopted, but the process is a lot harder than you can imagine.  I learned to accept that I wouldn't have children of my own, world's greatest aunt, but I don't think he ever did.  Get married, start your careers, buy a house, have children... it's kind of the normal course when you get married.
Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't date someone who has children, or even get involved in a serious relationship, but I am at that point in my life where I don't want to give birth to them.  I'm also not looking to get remarried.  If you think a break up is tough, try getting a divorce.
I am blissfully single, and I know there are those who think that is strange, but when I get involved in relationships, they tend to be long term.  I'm not the one night stand, or the drunk mistake... I'm selective.  I'm not looking to get involved with anyone who is jumping from bed to bed.
I’m not afraid to be in a relationship.  There are no underlying issues that I have buried inside me that keeps me from finding the next 'Mister Right'.  I am not terrified at the prospect of falling in love.  I am not fearful that my heart is going to be smashed into a million little pieces.  I don't feel that I’m untouchable, but I may be a little guarded as a result of an unspoken trauma, although there is a slight amount of truth to this, it is not what holds me back.  I have inner demons, and I don't want to expose my vulnerability. There are some trust issues... unhealed emotional wounds...
But that is not why I am single.  I'm single because I am focused.  I'm working on a career.  I'm writing.  There is not a lot of time for anything else.  I'm fiercely protective of my independence.   
I would love to fall in love. There is no feeling more intense than that of falling in love.  I want the intimacy that comes from being in a relationship with a man who understands me.  Someone who gets my drive and passion.  Someone who understands my fears, and loves me unconditionally, regardless of my flaws.  I want to be a part of a loving, stable relationship.
It’s not love that I fear. It’s a life of mediocrity that terrifies me.  I'm not afraid of sharing my life; I'm afraid that my priorities will change, and what I am doing now to better my life will fall by the wayside because a relationship becomes my priority.  I fear losing sight of my ambitions because of a guy.  I want to be with the guy whose presence knocks the wind out of me.  The person who speaks to me, and I stop to listen just so I can hear his voice.  I want to be with the playful, flirtatious, charismatic guy who touches me to the point my body craves to be with him.  But if I'm focused on a relationship, what happens to my dreams?