I do have doubts and insecurities. Some of these particular doubts and insecurities are less relevant now, but one thing I do try to stress is that I am by no means an after picture. I've had some really dark lows in my life and I've dealt with a lot of demons. I've struggled a lot, and oftentimes because I made everything so hard on myself. I just clutched to pain so tightly.
I still have certain tendencies that I need to work on releasing. I still stress about ridiculous things. I still feel insecure. I still re-live some memories I wish I could forget. I still worry about being judged. I'm still afraid of being hurt. The list is endless really. The only thing that has changed is that I've dramatically increased my ratio of happy to unhappy moments. Once upon a time, most of every day hurt. Now, I feel happy and free far more often than not. I sometimes forget that this is a victory, but it is.
I’m on this rocky road to self-discovery in several aspects of my life, and I’m learning to embrace it, even though it’s difficult. Right now, my step is to try and distill all the past “should have/could have/what if/if I had/why didn’t I say/why didn’t he do” line of thinking, and the illogical “if I had, then this would have…” mindset.
It's not easy to get past certain traumas, and I think we often make it far more difficult on ourselves by thinking there should be a point in time when we completely let go and become new, healed, happy people. That's a ton of pressure. It's so much easier to take it moment to moment, and to realize that is enough.
It’s time to throw logic out the window—to analyze life less and live it more. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to think for myself, not under the opinions or reigns of anyone else.
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