Bluey and the Great Spirit Moon

Looking back at entries I placed in a journal many years ago - even recent thoughts from months, weeks, or even days ago - I feel disconnected from the person I was then. Grief has a way of doing that to a person. It has a way of making you think, relive moments which furthers the pain of what is being dealt with.

Pain has a way of turning man into monster, hurt by words real and imagined.

In this existence we are but temporary beings, pieces of time made up of moments and memories. We are the beat of a heart, the sound of a breath, diminutive echoes in an infinite universe.

We are in constant states of challenge and change. Our cells die. Our DNA weakens. Our minds change like seasons. We grow old. We grow fragile.

We hunger for more. We seek out people to share deep connections with. Friends to hold close. Lovers to love. People to understand. Love makes us whole.

When a person feels love ripped from them, whether it be from the death of a loved one or being spurned by a person they love, it can cause a person to act in ways they wouldn't normally act. Some people react violently. Some go through phases of anger. Some are so grief-stricken that they have to be watched to make sure they don't hurt themselves. Some move on, but they carry the image of their loved one in their heart and mind. There are many levels to love, it's an emotion expressed differently from person to person.

She is Light and Sunshine

1. I don't really have many traditions. There are things I grew up doing, but, since I never had children, I never really carried those traditions into my adult life. I am about to spend a week in a house, on vacation with my family, and it's going to feel very much like the times we spent growing up together.

2. I am a rather sassy and sarcastic person. I tend to be a quiet observer when you first meet me, but I actually have a fun-loving playful side. You have to get to know me to get to that side of my personality. I'm shy, but not really shy. Working in the customer service industry has taught me how to approach a person and engage in conversation, but even I have my limits as to how much I want to talk and how friendly I want to be. I am an introvert, and that is part of my personality. Still, I do love people, and I enjoy the conversations I have with people I meet.

3. I am very protective of my time because I do have to budget it for multiple writing projects, but I’m also very flexible with time and can make spur of the moment plans and adapt accordingly. I don't always have to work to a schedule. I can take time out of my day to socialize with friends and family. I take vacations. I exercise. I still have me time, but, when things have to get done, and I am running on a tight deadline, I do block the world out and focus on the project that is in front of me.

4. I like to gather information, do research for writing, but I also find it to be a tedious part of the job I do. I enjoy the learning experience, but I feel like research takes up too much of my day. I am willing to find new and better ways to accomplish tasks, shortcuts that help me finish my jobs at a quicker pace, but I am not willing to sacrifice the quality of my work.

5. I try things that are physically demanding of me and my body. I've studied judo. I took rock climbing classes. I've done kick boxing. I love yoga. I enjoy running. I lift weights. When it comes to physical fitness and the newest trends, I am willing to try out what is new, and review the results. That is how I got into Market Research, and what led me to study fitness in college. I am certified, and can work as a personal trainer. 
 
6. I am a huge softie. I am a lovable person with a friendly personality, but I do have a serious side that people often mistake as being withdrawn. When I am in a zone, I don't like to be bothered, but that doesn't mean I can't be bothered. I am actually quite approachable and easy to deal with. I take my job seriously and sometimes that means I take a longer time responding to comments, text messages, or answering phone calls. It's not personal. If I am in that kind of zone, it's because I am working on a job that pays the bills. That job becomes my priority.

7. I will be out of town all of next week dealing with an incredibly personal situation (I am healthy, but someone I am close to is incredibly ill). That may delay posting on this blog, not only for next week, but the week that follows. It may also interfere with my look of the day that I post to lookbook sites. My disappearance will not be permanent, but I may need some time to process the severity of the situation. When I get back, I will also have to make up for lost work. I am going to do my best to not stay away too long.

Kindness is a Magical Spell Meant to Enchant Hearts

I’ve been putting myself out there on the internet for awhile now, and I could probably spend the next couple of years writing lists of things that most people don’t know about me, pulling from the deepest parts of my soul to show you all what it is that forms my personality. I can give everyone clues as to who I am as a person, but that would only be a part of the puzzle that is me. It's the internet, and regardless of how much I share, only a portion of my personality can truly be seen. Hiding behind a computer, you can't see my mannerisms. You can't see the way I smile, or how I flirt without actually seeing me. Unless you know me, you don't know the way I move or how I carry myself around people. You don't know how I stop and listen while others talk. You don't see my willingness to help, or the sacrifices I make so others can be happy. You don't see my playfulness. You don't see my spirit. You don't know my voice because you can't hear it.

I’m a tomboy. I'm a nerd. I'm a geek. I've told everyone this, several times already. You may not get that impression of me by looking at my pictures. I wear feminine dresses with pretty prints, high heels, put on make-up, and curl my hair. I wear leather, lace, and boots.
I prefer ordering pizza and playing video games over going out to dinner or dancing. I collect comic books. I collect regular books. I don't like make-up. I am not fond of wearing it. I prefer my hair to stay in its natural state, but I style it for the sake of fashion blogging (or when I go out). I've always been more of a hands-in-the-dirt girl than a pinkies-out person.

 
The point is, the internet only gives you a few pieces of a puzzle. You can take a picture and a few carefully crafted words and create an image of who you think I am, but it's not the whole image. You miss elements of a person when you deal with someone exclusively on-line.

The Purest Love Always Reveals Itself

1. I can be a very emotional person, and I do wear my emotions on my sleeve, but normally I'm very calm and quiet. I have an easygoing personality. I am not the type of person who likes to fight or be put in a position where I have to defend myself. I prefer to be happy. Arguing with a person doesn't make me happy so I usually avoid arguments, but, if push comes to shove, I will fight back.

2. Even though I was attacked by a dog when I was a child, I am not afraid of dogs. I grew up with  the greatest dog ever. I loved her. Her name was Silver. She was a Norwegian Elkhound, and I'm not sure if it's the breed, but she was very protective of us kids. We got her as a puppy, and grew up with her. Exposure therapy… I respond well to it. 

3. I love puns, corny jokes, and play on words. Growing up, my father used to tell me the dumbest jokes. I'd roll my eyes, but his jokes always made me laugh.

4. Even though I grew up around guns, and support a person's right to own a gun based on the Constitution, I personally do not like guns. I grew up shooting them in the desert, and I never found it to be an entertaining sport. That's not saying that I don't understand the value of knowing how to protect myself, and how to safely use one, I just hope I never have to use a gun to defend myself.

5.  I love haunted houses. They are my favorite attraction at any fair or carnival. I don't care if they are cheesy or badly done, I still love them. I have even stayed at hotels that people claim to be haunted with hopes of seeing an actual ghost, but I've never seen one. I do believe it is possible they exist, but if they do, I don't think I have the right energy to see them. Still, I think it'd be kind of cool to see one, as long as it's a nice ghost.

6. When it comes to cell phone technology, I am still in the dark ages. I have had the same flip phone for ten years. I will be upgrading soon, but I've never really been in a hurry to go out and buy the latest in technology.  Surprising, considering I grew up surrounded by the latest gadgets.

7. This is my favorite number.

8. After my parents divorce, I took on a lot of responsibilities to help my father out. He was at work all the time providing for his children. Through my teenage years I cooked for the family, two households, mine and my grandmother's (who lived two houses from us). To this day, I do not enjoy cooking, and have to be in the mood to do it.

9. I hate the game Monopoly. I absolutely despise it. I find it to be a never-ending tedious game so I purposely try to lose so I can stop playing it. I do like card games, puzzle games, video games, but ask me to play Monopoly and I will say no.

10. I have run two marathons and have no desire to run another. I believe in the causes of any event I choose to take part in, but the training was hard on my body. I lean out quickly, and it's hard to keep my weight up. I enjoy exercise, but I never enjoyed the training that was required to get my body ready to run a marathon. So no more marathons for me.

A Trip from the Past - Saint Louis, Missouri

This would be a trip I took awhile back to Saint Louis. This trip, I flew to Missouri, a few days later I was in a car driving to Chicago, followed by Ohio, and then returned back to Missouri. For this post, I am only sharing a few images from my trip to Saint Louis.

The Gateway Arch in St. Louis, Missouri. I went to Missouri to visit with a friend. It wasn't on my list of places to go, outside of the state (I do have a bucket list that requires me to visit every state in the USA at least once in my lifetime), but I figured since I was there I was going to see the arch. It was the first place I visited when I got off the plane.

Inside the arch, from the top, the view is incredible. They have an interesting system that takes you to the top. If you get claustrophobic easily, it will probably be a terrifying trip up. It's basically a small pod, that has windows so you can watch your ascent and descent, but there is an awareness of how tight and enclosed the space is you are travelling in.

The base of the arch. Surprisingly, and maybe that is because it was during the school year that this visit took place, but the area was not crowded. I have pictures from the park that surround this area, the museum, and an old church (not the Cathedral). My time in Missouri was roughly three and a half days, the rest of this vacation was spent on the road.

Cathedral Basilica in Saint Louis - I am not a church goer, but it is a beautiful building, and the inside is gorgeous. I appreciate the architecture. It is a thing of mine, I am not a fanatic on history, but I love to look at old and historic buildings. It's the design work that I find interesting.

Back to the arch for a late night visit. They had a light show, and it was worth going back to see it.

The Missouri Botanical Garden because I like to spend my time outdoors. I don't travel to sit around in hotel rooms. I want to explore the area. I want to experience what I don't experience at home. I normally travel with a buddy, but there are trips I do take alone. I can assure everyone that the moment I jump on a plane, with someone or without, I will be out exploring the area.

A Person Who Seeks Will Find What They Are Looking For

Pain is something we all experience in life. It's inevitable that at some point in your life you will experience it.

Pain is a pesky little word that is always associated with being hurt, and there are different types of pain, physical pain and emotional pain, both can range from tiny almost non-existent sensations to full blown suffering.

Physical pain can be anything as minor as knocking into a table and bruising your leg, or receiving a paper cut, to something major like falling and breaking your leg. Physical pain can be the effects of a disease on the body, like cancer as it destroys a person's cells, or even the treatment that is supposed to fight the disease, but hurts the body in the process. Physical pain usually has a cause that can be explained, but not all physical pains can be cured. Some of those aches and pains come with age, from banging up our bodies when we were younger, and we pay for it as we get older. Other physical forms of pain go away in time, like a bruise healing.

Emotional pain is different. Emotional pain is caused from hurting somebody, whether it be hurting their feelings with a sly comment that they took offense to, or something to the effect of a betrayal and a violation of a person's trust.

Regardless of what type of pain is being experienced, it's important to understand the causes and effects of each are different, even so both types of pains can be equally devastating, but in dramatically different ways.

A paper cut will heal in days, and you will probably have no reminder that the injury ever existed. Cancer, while it can be cured with certain treatments, is far more likely to devastate the body in the process, and there is no guarantee of survival. Saying something to a person that might one time hurt their feelings will probably not do much damage to a person's psyche. Being insistently bullied can have a psychological effect on a person that leaves an imprint on them for the rest of their lives.

The cause of emotional pain is complex, and in no way, shape, or form am I an expert in the subject, but I have experienced being bullied, and I have had my fair share of painful experiences that have left a lasting impact on me emotionally.  I've talked about my divorce, and the commitment issues that are a result of it. I've talked about having trust issues. I've even touched on the topic of my mother, a person whom I don't like talking about. My mother is an emotional subject for me, and can result in an explosive outburst if I feel pressured to talk about her. My issues with trust stem from her. I could go through a whole list of her done me wrongs, but it all amounts to the same thing; she was an awful parent who neglected her children.

Coming up in March, this blog will be placed on hold for a couple of weeks. I'll be dealing with another type of emotional pain, which I am not ready to talk about, and it is going to affect my wanting to come over here and share.

Magic Enchants and Casts a Spell

Another project I am working on. It started out as a writing prompt that was sent to me in e-mail and is already taking shape to be much longer than a few pages. This story is still very much a rough draft. I am only sharing the first page. This short is currently at thirteen pages, and just over 6000 words, in an unfinished state, and is considered an angst driven love story. I am currently juggling multiple stories. It can be a problem when you have a head full of ideas and you have to get them on paper before you forget them.
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She woke, with a startled groan, to the sound of music being played on the piano. She wasn't sure if she was dreaming the sound, but when the noise didn't dissipate she woke to the full realization that her comfortable slumber had been disturbed, and now that she was fully awake, she grumbled to herself at how truly inconsiderate her boyfriend was being. He could have waited an hour, written in silence, but instead he pulled her away from her peaceful dream.

She lay in bed for a few moments longer, hoping that the music would stop, but it just became more persistent, and though it made her grumpy, she smiled to herself because the melody was beautiful, and she could hear the heart of her boyfriend in every sound the keystrokes made.

She knew sitting at the piano was his favorite place to be. He loved making music, and he hoped to one day realize his dream of being a rock star. He played multiple instruments, but the piano remained his favorite. That is where he felt he could create his best writing.

Still, she was surprised he was up playing so early, the night had been late playing at the local bar. Afterwards, he had gone back to his band mate's home to celebrate the gig, low paying as it was, because it meant exposure in the city, write ups and reviews, and the development of a fan base.

She untangled herself from the sheets that clothed her naked body, and grabbed the pink satin robe she kept close to the bed, quickly wrapping it around herself, and loosely tying the matching sash around her tiny waist. Her bare feet cold from the feel of the tile, she yawned, stretched her arms, and then headed downstairs.

She followed the sound of piano keys, found him sitting, brows furrowed, deep in thought, a notebook in front of him, and the music sounded like magic. He was gifted, a talent she wished she had been bestowed with, but to her dismay she had no musical ability.

She came up behind him, leaning in, until her lips were close to his ear. “Hey there,” she whispered. “You woke me up again.”

Chase, jumped, startled by her intrusion, but then slowly turned in her direction, and kissed her lightly on the lips. “Morning, Sunshine.”

“I'm not quite feeling sunny this morning.” She returned, but still she smiled. “It's seven in the morning, barely the crack of dawn, and I was having a wonderful dream.”

He wrapped his arms around her waist, and brought her to him. “Tell me about this wonderful dream, and was I in in?”

“I can't tell you about the dream, darling, you woke me up. Remember?”

“Sorry, Love, but inspiration struck, and I just had to get down here. Forgiven?”

“The melody sounds beautiful,” She picked up the notebook, and looked it over. “What are you writing today?”